I always take a lot of deep breaths and just to try to focus on one thing at a time but this time of year always does my head in. There are a number of reasons for that and I did mention a few of them recently.
We were handed two new assignments today and I already have a couple on the go. School finishes in 4 weeks and we are being bamboozled with work to get the certificate completed in time. Normally I would set aside time on the weekend but I have to attend all weekend workshops for the next two weeks for dress rehearsals. This is for my daughters' concert on November 20. No doubt there will be more sewing to do and all the running around the concert normally entails.
I have to attend as I am a dresser backstage, helping the girls in and out of costumes and it would be a disaster if I didn't know the order of things and how long I have to get each costume on or off. The girls are in a lot of dances and one of the changes we have to do is in 35 seconds. That's to get Emily out of the Lord Farquardt costume and into the Sugar Plum Fairy. Yeah....like that's gonna happen.
On top of all this, the weather is really starting to warm up and I have about 100 new shrubs and trees scattered over two acres that need bucket watering. It takes roughly two hours per night which is two hours I don't have. That isn't even going into all the usual outside jobs I have to keep this place under control. And by jingo, let's not even pretend we do housework anymore.
Once upon a time none of this would have phased me but the truth of the matter is that I have a finite amount of energy that greatly decreases as the temperature increases. I have the type of MS that is exacerbated by the hot weather. All my symptoms are greatly effected and I feel as if I have chronic fatigue. It would be impossible to even describe the type of fatigue I mean because it's like nothing I've ever experienced before. Frankly I wish someone would just shoot me before December hits but I'm too bloody stubborn to let it beat me. So I have to pace myself.
Now if you knew me you would know that telling me to take things easy is like asking the tide to stay back or the moon not to rise. I'm busy.....I have stuff to do. I can't just put my feet up and stuff bons bons into my mouth while lounging back on the chaise. For goodness sake, relaxing is for other people. It isn't what I do.
Pfft....who am I kidding?
More and more lately that's exactly what I do. Sometimes I could just scream with frustration. I've never asked "why me?".....it's been more like, "why not me?" but now I'm asking why can't it be someone who doesn't have any drive, who hasn't got a whole world out there to experience because all they want to do is kick back and have a good excuse to do so. I'm angry and I'm angry at myself for letting it show.
I'm sorry you guys. I don't often get teary and sooky over this but for some reason tonight I am giving in to it. It just pisses me off and I'm over tired I guess. I'm also sunburned from school today, the girls dance teacher was her normal bitchy, inconsiderate self, I can't remember the last time I slept for more than 2 hours at a time and I feel a bit hormonal to boot.
How about I go to bed and we'll just pretend none of this even happened. Maybe soon I'll even tell you about how Ziggy tricked me in to going into the men's toilets at school today and we can all have a laugh and things will be normal again. Yes I think that's what we should do.
Good night and god bless.
34 comments:
I've had a lot of these very same feelings. Maybe its the anger that keeps us going....the unfairness of it all. While you're dreading the hot weather because it brings your pain, I'm dreading the cold winter as it brings my pain. Big hugs to you, my dear friend. Keep looking at life with that wonderfully naughty little sense of humor and you can overcome anything. Love, Val xo
Oh dear Gyspy, you sound down buddy. I hope you get a good nights sleep and things look better tomorrow.
I'm a strong believer in keeping busy myself, however exhausting it is, because without things to do and places to go and people too see, Joey becomes a miserable self obsessed bore. What do you mean, I am already??
See I'm not busy enough!
Chin up (((hug)))
I think you need to stop beating yourself up for not being able to do everything. It sounds to me like you already do so much (way beyond mere mortals) that you should get a medal as it is. I'm afraid it may come down to prioritizing and then accepting that some of the things on the bottom of the list just ain't gonna get done. I know that will be hard for you to accept but sometimes... you've just got to put your health first. Put it this way... it's better that some things get offloaded than everything crashes because you've pushed yourself too far. Please do take care of yourself!
You have the right to your anger and your frustration. But it's the sort of anger that ultimately wears you down even more, because there's no clear place to direct it. And it sucks and life is definitely NOT fair.
I hope you can prioritize, leave all non-essential (hard, I know, when so much depends on you) items alone (let the dust bunnies have the run of the house) and ask for help. You need it in order to give yourself permission to have some extra rest. And you're going to need all that extra rest to perfom the 35 second miracle on November 20th (which I have no doubt you will do beautifully and gracefully).
I've been dealing with a lot of frustration, anger, depression over my pain issues. I can't freaking catch a break. I don't pretend to know what you go through because I'm certain that our issues aren't even in the same hemisphere.
I know you can do this though.. get through this time. As you said, you are stubborn, but that comes from a deep well of strength. You are inspiring whether you want to or not.
Gentle hugs friend...
**hugs**
(I know that doesn't really make anything better, but it's the thought, right?)
I think there is nothing wrong at all with a good old dummy spit now and then. Sometimes life does seem so unfair and frustrating and overwhelming and....well, you know what I'm talking about.
Go for it, hon. Vent as much as you like. Rant and rave. I find it really helps me.
I am just sorry I don't live near you because I would gladly water your trees every night. That is the kind of thing I love to do.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a cooler summer this year. I know I'm a crazy fool, but you just never know, do you?
Hang in there XXX
I'm with Selma....I'd be there helpin' with the trees. And if I was closer too.....? I'd take you for a drive to the top of a hill. Then we'd share a bottle of wine and stand at the peak and scream our guts out together. Fuck MS!
Wishing you a good night's sleep x.
You are SO entitled to a pity party and there is nothing wrong with anyone wanting to relax and just have nothing to do. :)
I worked on my MS client today and thought of you as I massaged her fingers...how we take for granted the simple things like the full use of them. Big Texas sized hugs to you. xo
:(
(That's all I got for you at the moment... oh except that I'm with Sel and Awareness and we'd be there watering and eradicating the weeds... and if I was closer I'd take you away from it for a little while... and I'm with the others on your depth of strength and tenacity seeing you through this, just hang on... and I agree that you're an inspiration and someone I look to for a lift when I'm feeling down... and I agree that you do need to just let it out occasionally... and I particularly agree with letting the things at the bottom of your priority list go for a little while... and I know you well enough to know the strength that you have even if you aren't aware of it yourself, and it's that that will help you through this period... but above all else, you're surrounded by genuine love and with our collective arms around you, you need never feel that you face this alone... but like I said, I've got no great words of wisdom for you at the moment Gypsy... but my love and admiration.)
Change of season will do it to you every time, we're going the other way here as you know... it's getting cooler.
"by jingo" that's funny -- is that like "by gummit" in redneck speak?
ha--
anyways-- you do sound a bit down, and definitely tired. but your they type that runs on your sense of humor. without it -- you surely would be on the couch with a bucket of bon bons.
sometimes ya just gotta keep on goin regardless... through gritted teeth, and a attitude of this is my life-- live on the couch -- or grin and bear it. right?
several of us live with daily pain... granted.. some worse than others-- or maybe just a different level of how to deal with it.
i despise the stupid pain scales dr's use-- because my 5 could be your 2 -- or vice versa. know what i mean. regardless. we all gotta get through the day.
and you my friend are one that i use to help me gain strength to get through my days. bucket watering 2 acres? i don't think so. not me.
maybe on a tractor and some water system rigged up-- i don't know-- but what i have pictured in my mind with you-- it wouldn't happen. noop. i wouldn't even attempt it.
so don't be so down on yourself.
you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
maybe all us pain - people are. on our own levels. we all think we're weak-- or whimpy-- but think about it-- people break a leg and are in pain or down for a couple weeks... they whine and get depressed about it--- we do it for years-- every day--- that's nothin to beat yourself up over-- you gypsy-- are a very productive, and beautiful lady-- you go above and beyond your call of duty and a mother-- friend-- human-- wife -- everything-- you are wonderful and more-- for all you deal with-- you are allowed an of day or two--
have a bon bon -- and a few for me too
i hope you had a great night sleep-- and a great day ahead!
big ole pity party hangover HUGZ
it's a new day-- enjoy it
Hey Gypsy,
Looks like I came calling on a bad day.
What I like about this post is you sound excited about the coming November theatrics. You also sound like you are enjoying the process from here to there minus the bitchy instructor. It seems as if you are more weary than despondent, so that actually is a plus. The short sleep cycles are no doubt a BIG contributor too. Not on a scale of MS in the heat but still, a factor.
Have you read Goethe? One of his sage observations is this:
"It is not doing the things we like to do,
but,
liking the things we have to do,
that makes life blessed."
LIKE the fight girl, and keep winning :-)
Godspeed
pity party away sweet gypsy! that is one of the things the blogland is for! i can't even imagine the fatigue you feel...i hope you keep well sweet gypsy! all the best for the end of school!
Golden to Silver Val: I know you dread the winter Val so it looks as though we suffer at the same time of year, just a different season. Maybe you're right about the anger...I know when I'm in a bad mood I work twice as fast...lol. It was good to see you my little mate. xxx
LL Cool Joe: One thing you could never be is a bore Joey. I believe in keeping busy too but unfortunately my mind keeps making appointments that my body can't keep :(
Steve: You've got the situation sized up perfectly Steve. I'm afraid I have one of those over achiever type personalities where I don't think it's been a good day unless I've flogged myself half to death. I know I do too much but somehow there always seems to be more I think I should have done. What on earth is wrong with me eh?
Talon: LOL....I've just found out I have not one, but TWO 35 second changes in the concert. Oh happy days.
I do prioritise as much as I can and I also try to feel satisfied that no matter how little I think I got done, it's still more than nothing. Sometimes I'm convinced and sometimes I'm not. You are very sweet having such confidence in my abilities (re the concert) and I will need all the encouragement I can get.
Moohaa: Hi KJ, it's great to see you again. I know you have a lot of pain and I tend to think, a lot more than me. Mine is more a bone numbing weariness that just never lets up and a few other irritating things that hold me back.
I hope you get the strength to find your way through the haze just as I will need to.
Native Minnow: Actually you're wrong about that Doc. It make things a lot better when you know people care. I know you are genuine in that. Big hugs to you too and I hope you are feeling a bit better yourself these days.
Selma: I never stop hoping for a less brutal summer Sel but yeah I think we're both spitting in the wind on that one.
I know you would help me if you could but I think I've come up with a plan to make it easier. I am going to drag a plastic bin filled with rainwater to the main area where the trees are and just keep filling the bucket from that. It will reduce a lot of the walking and hauling buckets of water from A to B. I'll take the full bin down in a wheelbarrow or my billy cart I take all my tools round in. Genius hey?
Awareness: Ooh I like your idea too Dana. A couple of bottles would be better and then neither of us will be feeling any pain :)
JLee: Aw thanks for the hugs J and I wondered how your MS client was going. We do take the simple things for granted until we no longer have use of them. Still, it could always be worse....a LOT worse and I''m very grateful it isn't.
Bear: Phew...thank goodness you didn't have much to say Bear. LOL...just joking my furry little friend. It makes the world of difference when you know you have good friends like you and all the people who have visited here looking out for you. Thankyou for your beautiful words. xxx
Liam: I don't think our weather knows what season it is right now. One minute it's cold and wet and the next thing you know, we'll in the middle of a heat wave. Helllooooo....it's spring....it shouldn't be cold or hot, it should be just right. Sheesh!
Soul: Are you blogging in my box again girly? I'm only kidding my lovely. What a heartfelt comment Soul, I'm really touched by what you've said.
I know how much you suffer, a lot more than me, and I think I should just shut the F*ck up when I think of what you go through.
I suppose this probably all comes into the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" category so I think you and I and a few of our suffering friends will be just fine. We have to be right.....because people are depending on us.
Now just to explain...the reason I have to bucket water is because we are always in drought (this is the driest state in Australia) and so I fill my buckets with rain water (I have 3 big tanks). We are only allowed to water with mains water twice a week or maybe once, I'm not sure. I don't do it for the muscles in my arms that's for sure. LOL.....
I will visit you soon Soul. I know I've been missing lately but now you know why. Big hugs. xxxx
Fishy: You could never come at a bad time Fishy and I am delighted to see you here.
Thankyou for your kind and supportive comments. I do usually look forward to the concert and all but I am so damn tired that it feels so overwhelming. I won't let it beat me don't worry. I never will. I just needed to throw a little wobbly to get it out of my system and now I am ready to face it all again.
Swile67: Oh Karyne, I feel so bad I haven't stopped by yet...I will soon I promise. Thankyou for your swwet comments dear lady.
I feel so bad for you. I wish I'd live closer, I'd sure come and give you a helping hand with some of the stuff you have to get done. I'd also be happy to slap that bitchy dance teacher into next week.
The dr's have not confirmed but I believe they will, that I too, have the same thing. Whether I do or don't is of no consequence, but I do have the same issues you do, and sister, I know how you feel. I get mad and cry because I just want to live my LITTLE life, and I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you, having you kids still at home and needing you. All I can say is, "all you can do is the best you can do." Screw the rest. And I mean it.
Hugs, hugs, hugs. Hang in.
Tango: Thanks so much Tango, I know you would and I appreciate it. I'd love to be there when you bitch slap that teacher too. I gotta tell you, she's really getting on my last nerve.
Jamie: OMG Jamie, I had no idea that was even a possibility. I am so sorry. And on top of all your back pain too. Life really is a bitch sometimes and often to those who least deserve it. I feel your pain honey. If you want any advice or information, please don't hesitate to contact me. My email address is on my profile.
sweetie, dropping by while i can. stay strong. am always thinking of you and praying for grace - always - in the midst of difficulties. take care!
i'm still thinking of the two hours of bucket watering... if i had to do thaton a daily basis i would just never blog, or probably do much else. don't know how you do what you do, i feel lazy by comparison and i'm 'healthy'. i hope you take the time to nurture yourself, so that you don't overdo it.
take care,
:-))
I got here a little late, so I'm hoping that you got at least 6-8 hours of sleep and that you dreamt of hot cabana boys serving you your favorite drinks and massaging you until you tell them "ENOUGH!"
Seriously, my heart goes out to you and I do hope you stay well, friend. Thinking of you...
Really sorry to hear it Gypsy & I'm sure it's only worse feeling tired when you've got so much on your plate & the weather is that damn hot. Good luck with everything. The only thing I could think of would be to employ the girls to cut down on that watering time as that is a lot of effort right there. But then again, I know when I'm feeling kind of lousy, and people make suggestions, I feel like telling them to stuff it, so . . . maybe I'll just keep it to myself. :) Feel better soon.
Cherie: All prayers and best wishes are most welcome and I thank you for thinking of me. You are such a sweetie.
Clippy Mat: When it isn't too hot I actually don't mind the bucket watering. I hate exercising for exercising's sake but if I am doing something constructive at the same time then it's a bonus. It's bloody time consuming though. I just can't bear to see all my hard work in planting, not to mention the cost, all go down the toilet for the lack of a drink. :)
Scarlet: I have been getting a bit more sleep but no hot cabana boys. I don't want to dream about anything HOT at the moment although a massage does sound good.
Two Dollar Productions: I would never tell you to stuff it B...I know you are only suggesting things because you want to help and that's lovely. I would get the girls to help but they are often at dance at night and they don't get much time either for homework and such. In a month or two when all this craziness is over I'll be out there cracking the whip, don't you worry about that :)
Hope you're feeling better love. Seems like you have your plate tremendously full. Two hours of daily bucket watering? Wow! I think with that alone, I'd be done.
Thinking of you and sending you much good energy....
((hugs))
Rebecca
Oh Gypsy! The internet is fantastic on the one hand - for bringing us all together - but then frustrating on the other because you get to know people, could help if they were local but can do nothing because of the very real distance.
Sometimes we just have to wallow in the unfairness for a little while. I have done it and whilst I wouldn't say it has helped (I am not ill but there have been times when I have felt as you have - that my life has been "wrecked" or changed through no fault of my own) but it is the only way on occasion. The trick is never to feel guilty about doing it. Do it, forever long it takes, and then leave it behind until the next time you need to do it. If you feel bad about it, those feelings will make you feel more tired and stressed and the whole thing just compounds itself.
Big hugs from far far away xx
Sitting on the pitty pot is fine once in awhile. As long as it does not become a lifestyle :-)
My daughter has the same kind of MS that you do. The heat exacerbates her symptoms and makes being a mom difficult. She has three little ones to keep up with. She much prefers fall and winter weather to spring and summer.
Take care and I hope you awaken tomorrow (unless it is already that) more refreshed and ready to tackle your day.
I found you through Jamie's blog.
Blessings
Leann
Spoiler alert. I posted something about So You Think You Can Dance. ;)
Nothing major though...lol
Hey beautiful..... hows the juggling act going in Oz? Hope your energy and spunk have returned to you and you've been able to enjoy some of the dancing and the last part of your schooling. xx
Still not feeling better?
:(
I am hoping that you are feeling better...
just checking in on you.
Hugs, friend. :)
Thankyou all for your lovely comments, your care and concern and for still coming by even when I wasn't posting anything.
I'll be back properly within the next couple of weeks but will post something when I can in the meantime.
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