I have a very dear and close friend who is going through hell at the moment over something that happened two years ago. He didn't commit an illegal act or cause anyone physical harm, but what he did was certainly deeply hurtful to the person concerned.
My friend is a good and decent man, someone I trust implicitly and what occurred was one of those acts that was totally out of character and difficult to equate with the person I know. Still it happened and he has expressed his remorse and regret and has been beating himself up over it for a long time. Now the wounds have been reopened again and the pain and anguish are just as new and acute as they were in the beginning.
In forgiving, people are not being asked to forget. On the contrary, it is important to remember, so that we should not let such atrocities happen again. Forgiveness does not mean condoning what has been done. It means taking what happened seriously...drawing out the sting in the memory that threatens our entire existence.
He should have felt the shame and embarrassment of his mistake but it doesn't help anyone for that kind of self flagellation to continue indefinitely. All you can really do is make reparation in any way you can and learn from what happened. The mistake would only be compounded if nothing was gained, if the experience was promptly forgotten.
*********
We can't control how other people react but we can control our own reactions.
I hope one day he can put this sad incident somewhere he can easily access it but just out of reach unless he seeks it out. He needs to remember what happened but for his own sanity and peace of mind he needs moments where he can forget.
To my dear friend......you are a good man who made a bad mistake. It's time to forgive yourself so you can once again be free.
Seeing with better eyes "We can recognize that the offender is a valuable human being who struggles with the same needs, pressures, and confusions that we struggle with. We will recognize that the incident really may not have been about us in the first place. Instead it was about the wrongdoer’s misguided attempt to meet his or her own needs. As we regard offenders from this point of view (regardless of whether they repent and regardless of what they have done or suffered), we will be in a position to forgive them.
34 comments:
God forgives us again and again, and we are told to live our lives in the same way.
But...I suppose some things are easier to forgive than others. Can you blame the parents of the children that lost their lives to Myra Hindley, for not forgiving her? Could I ever forgive a person who killed my kids? Can I forgive the person that constantly beats and rapes someone I love?
Whether we like it or not I think there are levels of wrong doing, and therefore levels of forgiveness. Also the same wrong doing in different situations may not require the same level of forgiveness.
Guilt and regret really are wasted emotions... much better to understand the hurt, accept it, make reparation where you can, where you can't learn to accept that too. And then move on. Move on and grow. And don't look back (in anger or otherwise)...
Great post! Yes, we must always forgive ourselves. Love does not hold a grudge and after all we are love!
We are imperfect. We make mistakes. We sometimes do terrible things. If we acknowlege the mistakes, repair the damage we are able to repair, and learn from the incident, we should be able to move on. If we don't move on - if we remain in that place where we continously relive the pain over and over - we're really wasting our lives and the possibilities of great things we can achieve.
LL Cool Joe: You make some excellent points Joe and yes there are some things that it would take a miracle to forgive.
I'm so sorry about what is happening to the person you love. The perpetrator there doesn't deserve forgiveness because they are repeating the mistake over and over again if they even view it as mistake which I somehow doubt.
This was a one off event for which my friend feels enormous shame and remorse. In this situation, even if the person he hurt can't or won't forgive him, I just feel it is time he forgives himself.
It's probably the only really bad thing he has ever done in his life so surely in balance he deserves at least his own forgiveness.
Steve: They are wasted emotions and yet so many of us dwell there far longer than we should. It isn't easy to march on forward and not look back but in this situation it's the kindest, most productive thing we can do for ourselves.
Mark: Hello Mark, long time no see.
I think the problem when we are dealing with ourselves is we forget we are only human with all the foibles and inperfections that come with the package.
Talon: Thankyou....I couldn't have put it better myself.
It would only be perpetuating the mistake if we then stopped achieving good things in our lives because we were stuck in a terrible moment in time.
I hope your friend can forgive himself. That is often more difficult than forgiving others. I just told a story to my daughter tonight about a man whose daughter was killed violently. He met with the murderer in prison and forgave him and they spoke often. I wondered if I would be able to do the same, but it brings healing to both parties.
ps
My meme is up :)
Forgiveness is a tricky wicket. On one hand, you can't go forward until you either forgive yourself or the person who hurt you.
On the other hand, some hurt is so deep that the best we can do is store it away in a safe place and take it out and look at it off and on until we are ready to finally forgive.
It can take years, but it has to be done at exactly the right time for it to be successful.
To seek forgiveness from others can be very difficult in some cases, and it is all too often not forthcoming. I think most of us would find it very difficult to forgive others in certain circumstances.
When it comes to self forgiveness, especially for something quite bad, I guess that can be even harder still.
The quotes you have chosen show the ideals and, at the same time, the difficulties of forgiving others. After reading your words I went back and read them from a 'self forgiveness' perspective and they are just as potent when applied to forgiving one's self.
I think your friend has an excellent chance of being forgiven... forgiven by himself that is... especially with your encouragement.
This is an excellent post, Gypsy.
Cheers.
JLee: Wow that is incredible. I heard a lady on the radio recently whose son was killed by his best friend. It was an accident in that murder wasn't his intention. He king hit him, the guy went down and he didn't stay to help him. Unbeknown to him he died.
The victim's mother forgave him too. She said it was the only way she could find any peace in such a tragic situation. I guess we all see things differently but I think her life will be better for it in the long run.
I will be right over to see your Meme.
Maria: I absolutely agree. You have to be ready or the forgiveness will just be a surface gesture and won't stand up to scrutiny for yourself or anyone else.
Bear: Thankyou Bear. I hope my friend will be able to find forgiveness for himself and I will certainly be doing all I can to help him see it's time.
Forgiveness from others isn't always forthcoming, that is definitely true, but you can't control that. You can only let them see how sorry you are and do what can to make reparation. Beyond that, there is nothing else you can do.
What your friend needs to remember is that we are all human and prone to make mistakes. Not all of us recognize and learn from our mistakes, but he has and this is the beginning of wisdom.
The fact that he's humbled himself and admitted his guilt is the first step to full forgiveness. He'll find true forgiveness in God...and if God can forgive him, who is he to keep punishing himself for a past sin?
I have often felt like your friend and I hope he reads your words they're very insightful.
I'm not very good with forgiveness. For myself or for anyone else. It's one of my biggest character flaws. (Although, if you were to ask my friends they would tell you it's the fact that I don't forget ANYTHING. :) )
I don't think there's a time limit on how long you can beat yourself up over things. Hopefully, your friend will reach that point sooner than later and be okay with himself again.
Until then, he's very fortunate to have a friend like you by his side. I hope he realizes that.
Scarlet: Yes none of us are without fault are we? If he hadn't recognised that what he'd done was wrong, then I wouldn't have had any sympathy. If there is one thing I can't stand it's people who won't accept responsibility for their mistakes. He certainly has done that and then some. It's time to let it go.
Liam: Whether he reads it or not, I haven't said anything here I haven't already said to his face. I think I am making head way.
Iamheatherjo: I am just as lucky to have him. He has been a dear and sweet friend for a long time now and I know if the positions were reversed he'd have my back.
Good to see you Heather.
i just love seeing you back!
Aw thanks sweet girl. It's good to be back.
Okay, so I am only six months behind, I didn't know that you were blogging again, but i am so happy to find out you are! I have missed you! I am back on the blogging trail too, I guess we just can't give it up.
Once again, you are so right with everything you say here. All I know is that we cannot enjoy our lives fully until we let go and forgive those that have wronged us, and ourselves for those we have wronged. Sadly, it's much more difficult for me to forgive me than others, and I suspect that is the case with everyone.
Hope your day is happy friend. Hugs and hugs and hugs!
Very well said and written Gypsy. I agree pretty much up and down the line, and I find that self flaggelation (sp?) is generally a wasted effort. You can and should analyze your actions so you can do better in the future, but there's also a time to forgive yourself because nobody's perfect. You just have to do the best you can as often as you can do it.
good post. good point.
g'day mate-
big texas hugs my friend :))
While turning the dial on the radio one day, I heard this--and I will never forget it: You can't truly LOVE someone you're close to if you are holding bitterness in your heart toward ANYONE else...love is universal--it doesn't discriminate.
And yes, forgiving oneself is the most difficult thing to do.
Forgiveness is so difficult. Self-forgiveness is the worst. I really hope your friend is able to realise that it is all right to forgive himself, even if he regrets what he did. With you behind him he certainly has a good chance of doing so!
I hope your friend can forgive himself too. I think when you are stuck on that road of constant self-flagellation then there is a tendency to do yet more out-of-character things (not necessarily "bad" ones) and hurt others without meaning to, or just be a drain on others I suppose.
I am a firm believer in only dealing with forgiveness with regard to myself. I am not sure I have the "right" or in my case the opportunity to forgive those who have done harm to me. It is not important to me that they are sorry. I struggle with forgiving myself in that I have to understand the mechanics of a situation, analysis it for ages, before I can do so but I am getting better at it.
The world would be a much better place if people were better at forgiving others as well as themselves.
Also, I'm back :-)
sweetie, i have an issue with this, too.~~~i am sorry i have not been down here in a while. my friends and family have really been busy redirecting traffic to links to relief operations in the philippines, indonesia and samoa. their needs are so urgent after the calamities they suffered. it is so disheartening to even watch the footages on tv. please help me spread the links further to your readership by reading my blog/s. thank you so much for this kindness. i hope to repay you someday.
Great comments! :)
Forgiveness gets lost in the shame and blame game doesn't it? My God, we humans all have a tendancy to twist our souls into knots over messing up. Secrets can eat you up, and then when the secret gets let out of the windbag, you end up wrestling with shame and guilt to a point where you can stop the self flagellating. !!
The inability to forgive oneself to me is the number one reason behind addictions. WE can be so hard on ourselves can't we?
ps. I love Tutu's quote...."take the sting out."
it takes courage to forgive, but it takes greater courage to be forgiven.
The only hell that I beleive in is in our heads, it is called "Guilt." You must first forgive yourself and all who have ever hurt you. God is Love and Love is unconditional...So that means that Love (or God) will never condemn you for mistakes-only we do! Forgive yourself, do better today than you did yesterday and help everyone you can by simply loving yourself enough to open your heart and let your light shine on the world. Don't dim that natural light with fears or guilt. Just do good today and for now on! Have fun.
do i have to send eevee after you? :))
update ?
you ok?
i hope so!
hugz
ok that's it--
the leash is off :))
happy weekend gyps-
How did I not know you were here?? I thought you were gone??!! I've missed you like crazy. :(
But here you are, you beautiful woman you!! :o)
Jamie: Well I know this is very late in coming but welcome to my new blog. I thought you had given up blogging too because the last time I visited it was gone. I'm glad you are back too.
Two Dollar Productions: You just have to do the best you can do as often as you can do it.....No-one can ask for more than that can they nor can we ask more from ourselves.
Soul: Thanks my Soul friend and a good old Aussie hug to you :)
Timoteo: You always share something very profound with me and I love it. You sound very wise Tim.
Selma: Believe me Sel, I know as much as the next person, how this is much easier in theory than in reality. God knows I have beaten myself up for years over things that should have been behind me a long time ago. He'll be ok. He's a very sensible person and where I can help him with things like this he helps keep me from being flighty.
RB: I think most of us are a work in progress and in my opinion, if you are always striving to do better and you slip up along the way, surely the good karma outweighs the bad.
I find it much harder to forgive myself than to forgive others.
Native Minnow: I was delighted to see you back Doc but I sense you are not all the way where you want to be yet. I hope you get there soon.
Cherie: Don't even think about apologising Cherie. Your friends need you right now and I am keeping all of you in my thoughts.
Awareness: Yes most of us never seem able to allow ourselves to catch a break, that's for sure. I wonder why we are so hard on ourselves. Conversely, the people who should be rarely are. What a wacky world we live in.
The Real Mother Hen: Wow....perfectly put Mamma.
Michael: Well here is another belated welcome. I'm not usually this late in responding to comments but sometimes life just gets in the way.
What you have said makes perfect sense and guilt is something that trips most of us up isn't it? So often it is misplaced too which makes it even more of a travesty when we can't forgive ourselves for something we've blown way out of proportion anyway.
Soul: Please don't send Eevee after me. I've updated now.
Moohaa: And here you are too. I thought you'd abandoned the blogs in favour of Facebook but it's really good to see you too KJ.
I used to be able to forgive easily but not these days. These days, piss me off and you'll be damned to eternal damnation ...
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